So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
