if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
