My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
