Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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