I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
