a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
