don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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