the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
