so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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