Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
