the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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