I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
