when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
the raccoons are back...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
