Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
