i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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