God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
As shirtless as possible
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
