guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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