Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
