rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize