tell your sister to shave her snatch
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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