I just saw a hot homeless man
I can text with my tongue
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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