Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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