i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize