I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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