Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
