I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
