You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
