Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
