and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
