you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
