gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
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