I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
