you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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