She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize