my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
