Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
