dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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