I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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