On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
40s are totally the cure
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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