I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
