Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
