and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
