I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
