so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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