the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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