The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
