I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize