I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
