just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize