I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
