I look better un-naked...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize