she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
