I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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