Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
