I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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