Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
