i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
