Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
