so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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